Dear Lean Cuisine,

Dear Lean Cuisine,
Congratulations, you have accomplished the impossible. You have made pizza taste nasty. Before today, I was under the impression that 'even bad pizza is good pizza.'

Wrong.

My first clue should have been that the Chicken and Caramalized Onion pizza was only 350 calories. I now realize that it is not because the pizza itself is actually a healthy, low calorie meal. It is because it is impossible to eat more than 350 calories worth of this crap.

And that's pushing it.

My second clue should have been the option for a 'crisper crust' in the microwave oven. I, being of sound mind, know the only way a microwave can actually 'crisp' anything is by drastically overcooking the snot out of it.....not 'crispy' but more of a 'dried out until every ounce of moisture is gone and it actually makes a cracking sound when you bite into it.' Apparently that is your definition of 'crisp'.

My third clue should have been the actual look of the melted cheese. You, Lean Cuisine, have apparently redefined the meaning of 'melting cheese'. I originally thought it meant cheese that still had moisture left in it and would actually stretch between your mouth and a piece of pizza when you bite into it.

Wrong again.

Apparently your 'crisp' function also makes cheese crispy. Something I feel should only happen when eating Nacho Cheese Doritos.

Thank you Lean Cuisine for helping redefining pizza as a low-calorie food. Apparently this may be the cure for dropping the last of the baby weight.

Sinerely,
A customer who is now thinner for having tried (but not actually eaten) your pizza.